Captain America's Theme Song & Other Stories
by The.Penguin's.Turtle
Summary: Just what happens when Tony makes Steve listen to the Team America World Police Theme, "America, F*ck Yeah!" Hilarity ensues. Slight crack!fic, no slash. Just pure cuteness. Other chapters are to follow. Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers, nor the song.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I am American, and I find this song funny because it just shows that we can make fun of ourselves. I'm not racist, nor do I endorse it. I just thought it was pretty damn funny, since I can imagine how awkward Steve can get.**

"Oh, CAPTAIN!" Tony sang as he walked into the command center where the Avengers were sitting, eating breakfast. Steve sighed, and put down the black coffee he was about to sip. "What is it this time, you blubber-minded nitwit?" Tony clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You're busting out the bad words this early in the morning? Sinful!" He smirked. Clint rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming next. Bruce choked on his orange juice trying to suppress a chuckle. Natasha kept eating her cereal, ignoring the childish antics of her colleagues. Thor was rummaging through the fridge, muttering about how the puny, weak mortals don't have any mead. Pulling out his phone, Tony clicked on a song with a flourish. "I do believe that we have a theme song for you, Cap."

God, did he enjoy making Steve squirm.

Pushing play, some power chords surrounded them before a chorus of male voices started to sing. Badly.

"America… Ameriiiiicaaaa…"

Steve sat back in his chair, rolling his eyes and folding his arms across his broad chest.

"AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!"

Nearly jumping out of his seat at the obscenity, Steve's face turned a delicate shade of pink. "Please, Tony, stop. There's a young dame in the room. It's not meant for her ears! Or anyone's ears, really!" He gestured to Natasha. She laughed at his attempt to make the torment stop. Natasha responded by singing the next few lines along with the song, making Steve blush even deeper.

"Coming again to save the motherfuckin' day YEAH!

America, FUCK YEAH!

Freedom is the only way yeah,"

Steve groaned and put his hands over his face. "Really?"

"Terrorist your game is through,

'cause now you have to answer to

America, FUCK YEAH!

So lick my butt and suck on my ba-"

"TONY! Stop this right now! It's horribly inappropriate!" Steve pleaded.

"Nope."

"What're you going to do when we come for you now,

it's the dream that we all share; it's the hope for tomorrowwww!"

Clint and Bruce were smiling like Cheshire cats. "Don't worry, Cap. It gets better." Bruce laughed and grinned at Tony. All three men took a deep breath as the next part of the song came on.

"FUCK YEAH!"

"Please, can't we all be adults here?" Steve tried to reason. But the men started to sing.

"McDonald's, FUCK YEAH!

Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!"

"I don't even know what those are! A farm and a farm for overweight people?" Natasha laughed at how accurate Steve's guess was.

"The Gap, FUCK YEAH!

Baseball, FUCK YEAH!

NFL, FUCK YEAH!

Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!"

"My head hurts!" Steve cried out.

"The Internet, FUCK YEAH!

Slavery, FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!"

"What IS the Internet? YOU ARE AWFUL PEOPLE! Slavery is horrible!" Steve stood up, and the singing trio just got louder as they sang the next verse.

"Starbucks, FUCK YEAH!  
Disney world, FUCK YEAH!"

"What are these places?"

"Porno, FUCK YEAH!  
Valium, FUCK YEAH!  
Reeboks, FUCK YEAH!"

"Porno? Valium?" Steve looked hopelessly at Natasha, who just shrugged her shoulders, but laughed. He didn't need to be introduced to porn just yet.

"Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH!  
Sushi, FUCK YEAH!  
Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH!  
Rodeos, FUCK YEAH!

Bed, Bath and Beyond!"

"Tits? What are tits? A cow's udders? Taco Bell? What is a taco?" Steve scratched his head. He didn't care about the vulgarity of the language; the other terms they were using were just too confusing. What in God's name was a tit?

"Liberty, FUCK YEAH!  
White Slips, FUCK YEAH!  
The Alamo, FUCK YEAH!  
Band-aids, FUCK YEAH!"

Steve was getting frustrated. "What's a band-aid? White slips?"

"Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH!  
Christmas, FUCK YEAH!  
Immigrants, FUCK YEAH!  
Popeye, FUCK YEAH!  
Democrats, FUCK YEAH!"

"Will you PLEASE stop singing that song and explain what the hell all of these things are?" He yelled at the trio. The song died away as the three exchanged surprised looks. "What, you didn't like the song, Captain? It describes everything you fight for! It's the colors you represent! Who you're named after!" Tony walked around the very red man. Steve sighed. "Tony, I will probably agree with you, but I have a few questions." Bemused, Tony asked what.

"What is a tit?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was originally going to be a oneshot, but hey, since it did so well… Why not? Reviews and requests are always welcome. (:**

Steve was laying quietly on his bed, the door open. He had orders to stay at Stark Tower with the rest of the team, until he can fully adjust to the modern world. He didn't fancy staying in "Tony's Playhouse of Terror", as the team had taken to calling it. More specifically, him. Since he seemed to be the only one who got tormented.

After a morning of tutelage on how to use a simple iPod, and downloading a bit of music from every decade he missed, Steve was happy just to tinker with it by himself. "I don't know how to work any of these other doodads, but dangit if I'm not going to learn how to work a… What did he call you? No matter; I will call you… Uhh…" He sat up on the edge of his bed, scratching his head in thought. "Forget naming this cockamamie contraption. I'll just listen to the songs." He laid back in his bed and put the headphones on. (Tony didn't think it was time for him to have earbuds, whatever on earth those are. They sound painful.)

He only had maybe 25 songs on his music player, but each decade was put in its own playlist. Steve skipped over the '50's, '60's and '70's.

"Hmm… What did I miss in the '80's?"

He pushed play, and listened.

* * *

Tony walked into his room three hours later.

"Oh God, what have I done?"

Steve had the music on full blast in his room, having asked JARVIS to play a certain few songs over and over. And he was dancing. Horribly. At least his singing wasn't awful.

"LIVIN' ON A PRAAAAAYER! TAKE MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT, I SWEAR! WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!"

As Bon Jovi's power chords faded out, Tony recognized Journey was about to make it's play.

Steve waited until the epitome of the song to do anything. "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'! HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEELIN'! DOOOON'T STOP! BELIEEEEVIN'!" His voice nearly cracked with the loudness that he was singing. But still, he wasn't bad.

That song ended, and another Journey song began. Amused, Tony shook his head as Cap started out. "ANY WAY YOU WANT IT, THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT! ANY WAAAAY YOU WANT IT! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!"

Tony waited by the door, knowing that Steve wouldn't notice him. He was too enthralled in the music. The next song came on. It was absolutely hilarious. Steve didn't do anything until the chorus, just lip sync. And then sang with every ounce of passion that he could muster.

"POOOOUR SOME SUUUUGAR ON MEEEEEE! Ooooh, in the NAME OF LOOOVE! POOOUR SOME SUUUUGAR ON MEEEEEEEE!"

Steve started moving his hips rather suggestively. Smirking, Tony tapped a button on his phone. He was going to record Cap's less-than-innocent antics. _So I really HAVE had an influence on the grandpa…_

After finishing off that song, Steve smiled as the next one came on. It was a horribly guilty pleasure of his, this next song. But he couldn't help it.

A woman's voice came, soft and slow. Looking into his mirror that covered his closet door, (thankfully, not facing Tony). Steve's voice matched the passion that the woman's voice had.

"If I should stay… I would only be in your way… So I'll go, but I know that I'll think of you every step of the way…"

Tony felt his eyes bug. _This is fucking priceless._

He waited until the passionate part of the song, and then bit his fist to keep from busting into frantic maniacal laughter.

"AND IIIIIII, WILL ALLLLLWAYYYYS LOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU, IIIIII WILL AAAAALLLWAAAAYSSSS LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUU!"

Steve closed his eyes in passion, his hands opening and closing with his voice, reaching out to millions of fans that weren't there.

Tony giggled. But the music was so loud that it didn't matter. As the next song was about to make its round, Clint walked by. Tony grabbed his arm and shushed him, then nodded his head at Steve. Clint looked at Tony as if to say, _dafuq have you done to him now?_

Steve's voice was mingled with Justin Timberlake's.

"I'm bringin' SEXYBACK! YEAH! Them other boys don't know how to act!"

Steve's hips were swaying suggestively to the beat.

Clint whispered to Tony, "I thought Fury told you to _not_ give him an iPod?" "What he don't know won't hurt him. And in any case, it's the most basic one they've ever made. But isn't the result worth it?" He gestured to Steve, who still hadn't seen them, and continued to air thrust.

Clint sighed. "I wonder what's next on Cap's playlist?" "I didn't feel comfortable giving him anything from the modern era. Except Maroon 5. But I think he's tired himself out now… Let's see what's next."

A very sweaty Steve sat on the edge of his bed as, sure enough, Maroon 5 started playing.

He didn't sing the first stanza, but waited. He sang softly with the music, as if it was holding back a great dam of emotion.

"Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember  
The people we used to be  
It's even harder to picture  
That you're not here next to me  
You said it's too late to make it  
But is it too late to try?  
And then that time that you wasted  
All of our bridges burnt down

I've wasted my nights  
You turned out the lights  
Now I'm paralyzed  
Still stuck in that time when we called it love  
But even the sun sets in paradise…"

Tony surprised himself when he felt his tear ducts betraying him, making his eyes water. Clint nudged him, and he saw Steve wipe away what seemed to be a tear.

"Peggy." Clint whispered gruffly. "Ah. Well. I kinda put the rap version of this song on his iPod… Let's just see what he does." Tony whispered back, not entirely ignoring what Clint said, but still wanting to know.

Then, it came. And god damn, could Steve spit some rhymes. Tony was shocked. He even said the cusswords and everything!

"Man, fuck that shit

I'll be right here spending all this money while you sitting round  
Wondering why wasn't you who came out from nothing  
Made it from the bottom  
Now when you see me I'm strutting  
And all of my cars start with a push of a button  
Telling me the chances I blew up or whatever you call it  
Switched the number to my phone  
So you never could call it  
Don't need my name, or my show  
You can tell it I'm ballin'  
Swish, what a shame coulda got picked  
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot  
So you talk about who you see at the top  
Or what you could've saw  
But sad to say it's over for it  
Phantom roll out valet open doors  
Where's the car way, got what you was looking for  
Now ask me who they want  
So you can go take that little piece of shit with you!"

Clint and Tony looked at each other, impressed.

When that song finished up, they were about to announce their presence to him, but one last song came on.

Some familiar lyrics popped out, and Steve was right there singing. Not giving one single fuck.

"America… Ameriiiicaaaa…

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Coming again to save the motherfuckin' day YEAH!  
America, FUCK YEAH!  
Freedom is the only way yeah,  
Terrorist your game is through,  
'cause now you have to answer to  
CAPTAIN AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!  
So lick my butt and suck on my ba-"

At this point, Tony and Clint were howling with laughter, not caring that Steve knew they were there.

Steve turned the deepest red that his skin tone could muster, and then immediately flushed. The song ended with Steve just staring at the howling men on the floor.

"Oh, oh God, Cap, REALLY?" Tony was crying with laughter. Clint's face was purple because he was laughing so hard. Steve was angry.

"You're not the sweet little gramps from the 40's anymore, Cap, I have it all on video!" Tony half sat up a few minutes later. "Wh-what?" Steve was dumbstruck. How long have they been there watching him?

"I, uh, well I…" Steve fumbled around for an excuse.

"Too late, I'm going to show Fury! And Bruce! And Thor!" Tony scrambled up, dashing down the hallway, Steve tearing after him.

Clint stood up slowly, and chuckled, and said, "America… Where your people are crazy, and your superheroes dance to Sexyback." Boy, was Natasha going to die when she hears this…

* * *

**Songs (that I do not own, unfortunately) in the order they appear.**

"**Livin' On A Prayer"- Bon Jovi  
"Don't Stop Believin'"- Journey  
"Any Way You Want It"- Journey  
"Pour Some Sugar On Me"- Def Leppard  
"I Will Always Love You"- Whitney Houston  
"Sexyback"- Justin Timberlake  
"Payphone"- Maroon 5  
"America Fuck Yeah"- Team America World Police**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a few days! It's summer… I have stuff… And yeah. I hope you understand. So if I go for a week without updating, I'm sorry and I love you all.**

**WARNING: Mentions of drugs. I do not condone it, just an FYI. Some bad words. Eh.  
**

_**Pergjithshme:**_** You'll see that a bit later. Because you can never predict the antics of Tony Stark.**

_**TeddyBearSunshineJoy54:**_** I promised. (;**

Captain Rogers was walking briskly to the Avenger's meeting room when one of Stark's workers nearly knocked him down. She was frantic. "Oh, _ohhh_ my gosh I am so soso_ so_ sorry, Captain! I didn't mean to- and Mr. Stark told me to find you anyway, but I don't think he meant like this." Steve smiled, and stood up, taking her with him. "It's fine; I was heading in that direction anyway. What does Tony need me for?" The worker smiled. "I'm afraid he didn't tell me that, sir. But please, we need to go to his office."

Steve smiled again, and followed the worker. "My name is Katerina." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "The pleasure is all mine, Cap." She grinned, and turned to Tony's office.

"Ah, Katerina, thank you for bringing our favorite Spangly Superhero. You may take a seat. Now, I need an opinion on something, Steve." Not trusting the joking tone in his voice, a weary Steve stayed by the doorway. "What is it, Tony? Really."

The man laughed. "I thought it was your birthday tomorrow, Cap! I want your opinion. What cake flavor do you prefer? I have samples of three and I want you to try them all."

Rolling his eyes, but feeling a bit warmhearted at Tony's gesture, he walked over to Tony's desk. They both picked up two slices of chocolate and tried it.

Tony smiled when the significantly larger man fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Now, Katerina. Your initiation to Stark Industries begins now. Go get the paint."

When Steve woke up, he was not in his room.

_Oh gosh, my head… What happened?_ Everything was fuzzy when he opened up his eyes.

"SURPRISE! HAPPY 95th BIRTHDAY, CAPTAIN!"

Steve jumped up. The Avengers were looking down on him, in the command center of Stark Industries. Everything was decked out in red, white and blue.

Steve groaned. "Why did you… What happened?"

Tony walked over to where the groggy man was laying, and helped him up. "Tony, why am I painted in red, white and blue?"

"Because I drugged you and told my new assistant to paint you while you were sleeping for her initiation rites of passage. And it's not like I could hide a birthday party from you, so, naturally, I did the only thing I could think of."

Looking around incredulously, Steve asked his coworkers, "You guys let this happen?" Everybody shrugged nonchalantly.

Katerina couldn't stand the awkward silence, so she yelled, "PRESENT TIME!" Steve rolled his eyes. "Please, no, I don't like having a fuss made over me-"

Thor picked him up and set him down next to the present table. "Too bad. Open them."

Tony bounced over. "MINE FIRST!" Steve picked up the gaudiest gift and unwrapped it. "Tony. No. Really? I.. uh… thanks?" Tony grinned. "Hold it up." Steve groaned, but obliged. Everybody busted out laughing at the red, white and blue speedo.

Natasha said, "Open mine and Clint's next!" Steve grabbed a box and opened it. "What is it?" Asked Tony eagerly. "It's a titanium bowie knife. Just in case. You can strap it to your leg during battle." Natasha answered for Steve. "Thank you both; I love it." Thor handed a couple of presents at Steve. "The gold one with the air holes is from me. The green one is from my brother… Don't worry, it's more of an 'I'm sorry for almost murdering everybody you care about' present. It won't be embarrassing."

Steve opened Thor's first, and was greeted with a tiny bark. "I'm not exactly sure what this is." "Oh, don't be silly! It's a baby kijja. You don't have these on earth?" "No… Not exactly. But it looks like a palm-sized dog." "I guess it is. But the breed is the most loyal dog on Asgard. It may be small, but it is a fierce warrior. You may name her whatever you please." "How big will she grow? What does she eat?" Steve asked, pulling the fuzzy baby dog out of the box. The dog reminded him of a small, white Pomeranian. Except 1/5 its size. The dog uncurled from his hand and wagged its tail and licked Steve's face. "She will eat anything given to her. She can grow to be as tall as your waist, but that will take several years. What are you going to name her?" "I'll think on that and get back to you. Thank you, Thor. I love her." Steve put the kijja in his lap and reached for Loki's gift.

Carefully pulling the ribbon, the box fell apart in his hand and a clear, flat stone was left in Steve's hand. "What does it do?" He tossed it between his hands. "Loki sent what I think you humans would call… A paperweight? But this one reminds you of your tasks that you need to complete, all you have to do is tell it."

Everybody laughed. "Tell your brother I said thank you for the 'I'm sorry I nearly murdered everyone you love' present. A paperweight makes everything better." Steve laughed.

Bruce's gift was next. Steve unwrapped a vial and swirled it. It changed colors. "It's what you would call a dream serum. One drop and you'll fall into the most wonderful of dreams your subconscious can create."

Tony laughed. "You didn't give him any LSD?" "No, that would be mean." Bruce said sincerely. Tony laughed. Katerina bounced up and down beside Steve. "Now for mine! Mine! Open it!" She handed Steve a simple present with a light pink bow and yellow wrappings. "I figured you'd be tired of the colors red, white and blue for awhile, so I made you a normal present." Steve tore the paper open and laughed. "Now, what is this?" "That would be a t-shirt that says, 'Captain America, Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah.' And on the back it says, 'FUCK YEAH!'" Katerina clapped her hands. Everybody busted out into fits of laughter.

"Thank you all for the presents. Really, I love them all." Steve laughed.

After cake, Steve took his gifts and his kijja back to his room. He sat her on the bed and she barked excitedly. "I think this may be cheesy, but I'll name you… Liberty." She looked at him with blue eyes and licked his face. He laughed, and went to go take a shower.

Suddenly, Tony knocked on the door just as Steve caught his reflection in the mirror.

"ANTHONY STARK, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN."

Tony casually walked into the room to face the raging Captain.

"What, Cap? You don't like Sharpie and facepaint?" "NOT WHEN IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE WONDER WOMAN!" Steve ran at him from the bathroom, and Tony scrambled for the door.

When Steve reached his bedroom, Tony was at the door. "You don't want to do this again, Cap." Tony said. Steve put his hand on his hip and smirked. "I don't have to. Liberty, attack!" He pointed at Tony. The tiny kijja jumped from the bed, and it's body engorged to that of a normal sized Pomeranian, but with a terrifying mouth of teeth that could rival that of a shark and a dinosaur at the same time. Tony yelped and sprinted out of his room as fast as he could, the kijja keeping up with him. Steve walked to the door and watched as Tony threw people down in the hallway as he tried to save himself.

He'll call off Liberty when he gets all of the paint and Sharpie off of him… However long that'll take.


End file.
